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image

Glu

Anyone who's anyone is playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood now, OK? It's just the truth. Even the U.S. government is on board. The inexplicably addictive game is magical, wonderful, and perfect, but it comes with a very specific set of problems only addicts truly understand. Welcome to Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Anonymous. There's no judgment here. Just support. As they say, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, or in this case, 15. And no, Willow Pape isn't one of them.

Note: If you're one of the few people still not playing this, good for you. You're going places in this world.

1. Talking about your in-game tasks like they're real. "Yeah, hold on. I'll be done with this photo shoot in, like, five minutes, and then we can watch Jeopardy."

2. Using all your K Stars on a pet, only to find that it doesn't do shit for you or your energy. Can I sell it back? Or is that not an option because I adopted it off the street? Get out of my beautiful condo, you useless cretin!

image

Can you at least play dead or something?

3. Surreptitiously trying to finish your photo shoots at work when no one is looking. If I don't get four or more stars I will never make it to the A-List! Do you really want a C-List loser working for you?

4. Having to date a man named Cletus. Every single one of your potential mates in this world is named Cletus. Get used to it.

image

How can there possibly be this many Cletuses in L.A.?

5. Petting pigeons for money. Think about what you're actually doing every time you go tap on that bird sitting outside the duLUXE Lifestyle Apartments. You're stroking a potentially rabies-ridden animal in hopes that it will poop out two dollars. If you did this in real life, you would need to seriously reconsider your life choices.

image

Thanks for nothing.

6. Kim not taking your star power seriously. You're still waiting for the All About Eve–esque confrontation in which she finally admits that she's threatened by your success.

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Name erased to protect the addicted.

7. Trying to pop all of the money/stars/level buttons quickly enough to get time deducted off your energy regeneration. This is the one part of this game that makes it like a real video game, and it is the worst. I didn't mean to touch perfect lighting, Marcel! I just want to pop that lightning bolt!

8. Wasting your hard-earned cash on a present that only raises your ingrate boyfriend's love bar by two points. What do I have to do to get you to love me, Cletus? Here, have my pointless cat. God knows I don't want it.

9. Spending more money to take a bus from Hollywood to Calabasas than to fly from Miami to Los Angeles. Your understanding of transportation costs appears to be lacking, Kim.

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LOL no.

10. The constantly unattended baggage at LAX. Can we get a TSA guy on that ASAP, please? Pretty sure it's Willow Pape trying to blow me up before my next appearance at LIF.

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Don't even try it Willow.

11. Figuring out how to hack the game for more cash, then not doing it because you're afraid you'll lose all your progress. Started from the bottom, now we're here, you know?

12. Repeatedly changing your outfit before a shoot only to have Marcel Tesiano continue negging you. Yeah, I'm ready. I said I was, didn't I? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, TESIANO?

13. The existential crisis you have about logging in to Facebook for free stars versus having your old college professors see what your life has become. Don't worry about me, Professor Goldstein. I have a 401(K). Everything's chill.

14. That moment when you cave and spend .99 of your real money on fake game money. It's just a slippery slope from here to the 0 Vuitton trunk full of K Stars, and then BOOM! You're in Requiem for a Dream.

15. The crippling sadness that overcomes you whenever you buy a new house and it costs some stupidly cheap amount like ,000. Why can't this version of life be real, Kim? Why?! Can you call my landlord and ask if he accepts K Stars as rent money?

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BRB just charming my way into home ownership.

Follow Eliza on Twitter.

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